I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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