So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize