I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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