Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
