I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
