rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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