would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
