I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
