DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
