I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
