he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
