Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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