i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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