I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
