I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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