I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
