I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
