I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
