I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
