I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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