Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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