I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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