Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
