I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
