I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
