This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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