Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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