That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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