i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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