He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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