Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
