if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She's the barista slut.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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