i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
