Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize