There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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