only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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