did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
