My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
