Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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