There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
