she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
