sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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