the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Randomize