this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize