i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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