im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
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