Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
