onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
