Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
