my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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