Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
