I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
