I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
