Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
