I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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