Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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