HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
