Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
