you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
