she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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