My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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