Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
