fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
