i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize