New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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